Betrayal of her husband: is it worth to forgive, how to survive? Psychologist's advice

Betrayal of a loved one is the hardest blow for any woman. In one second the world turns upside down and is filled with black paints. The woman is covered with a new range of emotions: pain, rage, resentment, disappointment. In this state it is easy to "break many firewood" and make irreparable mistakes. But stop, pull yourself together and think, can you forgive betrayal?

"A Sound of Thunder!"

Every woman learns about the betrayal of her husband in her own way. Some have long suspected the faithful of all sins and finally find convincing evidence of treason. Others learn about everything through random SMS, and for the third, the news of betrayal is absolutely unexpected. In any case, this awareness is a huge stress for a woman, she can not always cope with.

Post-traumatic stress disorder

On the scale of stresses Holmes and Ray, treason is equal to the death of one of the spouses. It is these emotions that overwhelm the deceived woman. Before she can return to her ability to think soberly and make informed decisions, she must go through five stages of accepting the situation:

1. Shock. At this stage, it seems to the woman that everything that happened to her, this is someone's fictitious fiction and even direct evidence of infidelity can not make her believe in her husband's betrayal.
2. Deal. At this stage, women make the most mistakes. They begin to make many mutually exclusive actions hoping to return everything "as it was before."
3. Aggression. Anger, caused by the betrayal of her husband, must inevitably have its way out. At this moment, noisy scandals begin with the smashing of utensils and mutual accusations. It was during this period that the deceived woman reported with all her actions: "You betrayed me and it hurts me!".
4. Sadness. This stage is characterized by long and painful memories of a happy past before the emergence of a rival. The woman becomes inert, reviews photos for a long time and reacts painfully to the stories of her friends about her family happiness.
5. Reconciliation. A woman resigns to the situation, and she begins to attend the first thoughts about whether to forgive the betrayal of her husband. She starts weighing the pros and cons, trying to somehow plan her future life. It is at this stage that you can begin to negotiate with your husband and try to establish a joint life.

How long does the post-traumatic disorder of the psyche last?

Professional psychologists advise not to take radical decisions until all five stages are completed. For every woman, they last a different period of time. It depends on the age, upbringing and social position of the lady. On average, the path from "shock" to "reconciliation" takes about three months, which is best spent away from the wrong husband. Extra quarrels and scandals will only exacerbate and so uneasy the state of things. Do not approach serious changes in life, guided by resentment and emotion.

Love and betrayal: a feminine look

Psychologically, it is very difficult for a woman to understand the cause of treason, and she plunges into the abyss of self-discovery in search of the guilty. In this process, she can make many mistakes, which will significantly affect her self-esteem and future life. So, what happens to a woman who knows about her husband's betrayal:

1. A woman with an irresistible force seeks at least one eye to see her rival. Do not do this under any pretext. Visualization of the opponent will only exacerbate the state of depression and anguish in which the deceived wife is immersed. Think, if the rival is younger, prettier and more successful, what impact on your self-esteem this will cause? Psychologists note that the image of a rival is almost imprinted in the mind of a woman, and she begins to cultivate shortcomings (obvious or imaginary), causing pity from her spouse and friends. To get out of this state, she will need many months of careful work on herself. Most likely, a professional psychoanalyst will be needed.
2. A woman blames herself for everything that happened. Most often, this reaction occurs in women with a psychotype of the victim. The deceived wife seeks to improve the situation and become several times better than the rival. It extinguishes the anger caused by treason, and activates the functions of the mother, mistress and mistress, bringing them almost to perfection. Unfortunately, this way can not help a woman survive the betrayal of her husband, and after a while she comes to the stage of aggression. In particularly difficult cases, suppression of anger can lead a deceived woman into a neurosis clinic, often neuroses provoke the appearance of other diseases such as ulcers and cancer.
3. Overly emotional people spit out all their pain on a man. They only see him as the culprit of the treason that happened, and in every way remind him of what happened. Unfortunately, a woman is not able to think rationally at such moments, and by her behavior she repels her husband. After a while, when the emotions are settled, a woman can understand that the family has already been lost and the man made the final decision by choosing an opponent.

It should be noted that any reaction of a woman to her husband's betrayal is a normal and natural attempt to survive the situation. The main thing that a woman allowed herself to splash out negative emotions and with a sober head came to the solution of the problem. If for half a year she can not cope with her emotions and her husband's betrayal still causes her uncontrollable anger, it is necessary to turn to a specialist who will help to come to the stage of "reconciliation" with the treason that happened.

Why does he change?

A clear role in solving the problem of betrayal is played by a clear understanding of the mechanism of male treason. For a woman, love and betrayal are absolutely incompatible things. A loving wife will always remain faithful to her man and take it with all the flaws. Male psyche is arranged differently, and the cause of betrayal can serve different factors.

• Syndrome of rejection. Very often men experience in early childhood manifestations of maternal dislike. The mother is constantly unhappy with her son, does not pay attention to him, leaves him alone for a long time. This kind of behavior is characterized by a kind of "swing" - today I love my son and I let him do everything, but tomorrow I push him away and leave one. Such maternal love has a huge impact on the child's psyche. Growing up in such conditions, a man will almost certainly change his woman. He quickly disappointed in the fair sex and after the first love falls, immediately sent in search of a new lover. If at the moment of falling in love a man managed to marry a woman he liked, then most likely he will start to change it after two or three months.
• A man is a daffodil. Men of this psychological makeup are more likely than others to be treacherous. "Narcissus" perceives only its feelings, desires and needs. He is not able to sacrifice his interests for the sake of a partner. These men are very sensitive to compliments in their address and are almost always ready to prove their male viability. At the same time, the wife is not perceived by the man-narcissus as an independent person who has certain rights in marriage.
• Middle age crisis. Most often, the betrayal of a husband who has reached middle age and felt the onset of the crisis, is an isolated one. A man believes that he has done little in his life, or, on the contrary, spent his whole life on achieving the well-being of the family, not realizing their own desires and dreams. Most often, the husband becomes guilty of this unrealization. It seems to the man that another woman would have made his life more colorful and interesting.
• Accumulation of disagreements. The most common cause of male infidelity is a mountain of accumulated differences and contradictions. Most often this happens when during the life of the spouse and could not solve some of their problems, ignoring them or considering them to be frivolous. At some point, this "abscess" is opened and the man finds understanding in the arms of a colleague or an occasional acquaintance.

After analyzing the situation, because of which a man betrayed her, a woman can come to the beginning of the search for a way out of this difficult conflict. Most often there are only two ways:

• Adoption of the situation and continuation of the joint life (if the man changes by the nature of the character, then be ready to repeat the situation, but the single treason provoked by problems in the family is most likely never again happen);
• Preparation of documents for divorce.

Whatever the cause of betrayal, before you say "You betrayed me!" And take a fateful decision, you need to consider the problem from several sides.

The news of treason

Before deciding to divorce, it is worth analyzing how the news of treason came to the family. Of course, to start such an analysis is necessary after all emotions have settled, and only if the woman came close to the time of the decision. There are a lot of options to learn about the betrayal, but two of them clearly indicate that the man does not want to ruin the family and sever relations with his wife:

1. Narcotically ostentatious evidence of treason. In some cases, men deliberately do everything to be caught by their second half. They leave open the pages in social networks, put in a prominent place a phone with an intimate correspondence or a check from the store. All these actions have only one purpose - to show the wife that her urgent intervention and changes in the family are required.
2. Conversation with the rival. Many women learn about the betrayal of the faithful from the rival. She can call or come to a meeting to tell the details of her turbulent romance. Do not show your emotions and instantly break off relationships with her husband. Most often, it is on this reaction that the rival hopes. As practice shows, such an act is pushed by a futile expectation of decisive actions on the part of the lover. A man refuses to leave the family and continues to have a relationship with his wife, so the decision to open eyes to treason is the only way to provoke a wife to divorce with an unfaithful spouse.

If you learned about the change in any of the above ways, then you have every chance to save the marriage and start everything from the beginning.

Preparing an important conversation

A conversation with an unfaithful husband requires a woman to maximize the preparation and tension of the nervous system. Keep in mind that during the conversation some "pitfalls" may surface, to which you need to be ready:

• Not always treason of a husband is a betrayal (many men do not consider physical treason a weighty argument to destroy a family);
• Denial of their guilt (quite often men instinctively shift responsibility for what happened on the shoulders of the wife and mistress);
• Refusal of a serious conversation "heart to heart."

Remember that the splash of negative emotions will adversely affect the communication with her husband, try not only to express their grievances, but also to hear his explanations. Do not try to play any role, it will not lead to a good result. Talk about your grievances, pain, disappointment, but do it calmly and as detached as possible. Do not be afraid to ask questions and hear answers to your husband. Perhaps this conversation will clarify many points in your family that you did not even notice before. Ideally, an honest and open conversation should tell you how to live after the betrayal of your husband.

The beginning of an exit from the crisis

If the conversation "heart to heart" took place and you still decided to keep your relationship, then be prepared for a long and difficult work. First of all, listen to your feelings. What would you like? How do you dream to build your life? What needs to be changed? How to forget the betrayal of her husband and start all over again? Most likely, the answers to these questions you will not find immediately. And, believe me, you will never find it alone. You need to be in close contact with your husband, voicing all your emotions and desires. Many couples who successfully survived this stage noted that they had never been closer to each other as before, as after treason. For most of them, the appearance of a lover has become an incentive for serious and positive changes in family life.

How to get rid of a rival?

Usually, after the adoption of the situation and the decision to save the family, the woman expects that the situation with the rival will be resolved by itself. But, unfortunately, razluchnitsa does not disappear anywhere, and the woman gets into a new circle of offenses and claims. Many wives make an ultimatum and remind their husbands every day of their nobility and their guilt before the family. This situation leads the couple to a new round of conflict, which often leads to separation of spouses. How to behave in this situation? How to trust a husband after betrayal? How to make sure that the rival has disappeared forever from your life? Carefully observe the behavior of her husband, most often he will compare two women to make a final decision. It is not necessary to be perfect and with fear to wait for a new day. Take care of yourself and stop worrying about betraying your husband. A woman who often leaves the house, is engaged in her appearance and leaves free time for some sort of a person developing her personality, always causes interest in a man. Do not hesitate to leave your children with your husband and ask him to spend time with them. The more time your man will give to his family, the more negative he will receive from the rival. As a result, the decision to keep the family seem to him the most faithful and the only right one. Of course, the trust in her husband will not be restored in a few days or even months. But here you can help visit a family psychologist, reading special books or buying audioleks. You will be surprised when you find out how many women faced this problem. Each answered the question of how to believe her husband after betrayal, and found her ways to forgive her husband.

How to survive the betrayal of a husband: advice of a psychologist

Summarizing all of the above, we can say with confidence that treason is not the end of a relationship. According to statistics, many families become even closer and stronger, having survived the betrayal. To save the family and re-find oneself, psychologists advise carefully to listen to the following recommendations:

• Be calm and self-assured, men do not bear tears and violent hysteria;
• Analyze the motives of the spouse, which pushed him to change;
• The main thing is your weapon in the fight against your rival is humor, such a woman always remains out of competition;
• Throw out all your negative, but when the spouse is not around;
• Forgive your husband, even if you decide to part with him, the ability to forgive will ease the soul and make you stronger;
• Know how to take responsibility for the decision (if you save a family, then exclude charges against the spouse);
• Ask the husband for help in overcoming the grievances (the man always aspires to be a knight and will do everything possible to regain your confidence in him);
• Improve as a woman (every day strive to be better than yesterday);
• Learn to listen actively to the interlocutor (do not just nod and agree with the husband, but really take his problems and troubles).

Be above the situation, and then betrayal will not become that element, which in an instant will destroy the carefully built family to your heart's content.