What is codependence in a relationship? How to get rid of codependence: advice of a psychologist

Many people in their life are faced with the concept of codependence in relationships, and do not even know about it. A person who has lost his autonomy, in a pair is weak and vulnerable, he is prone to frequent aggressive states. His heart understands that he is dependent on another person, but the brain keeps saying that it should be so. Many couples do not know how to get rid of codependence in a relationship. They diverge, find new partners, but life still does not change.

Co-dependency and family

Co-dependence is a state of strong, one might even say, anomalous attachment to another person, and it exists not only in love unions. Mother and daughter, brother and sister, father and children can also be participants in such relationships. For example, the father encourages the younger daughter in everything, her angelic eyes make him fulfill any of her whims. He is dependent on his daughter and can not rebuff her, and she, in turn, knowing this, continues to manipulate him.

This example examines the co-dependent model of the behavior of the pope and the child. The daughter is a manipulator, and most likely, in the future, when she is older, she will look for a spouse similar to her father. The girl will easily manipulate it and consider that it should be so. Thus, in her life there will be co-dependence in relationships. How to get rid of her, the girl, of course, does not know, because she hardly thinks about what is a manipulator.

From some perspective it may seem that being the leader in the family is very healthy, however, as a rule, it is a heavy burden. Women tend to take the initiative, to command their husbands and eventually complain that he is spineless and incapable of anything.

Is co-dependence a disease?

Indeed, many psychologists believe that this is a disease that can not always be cured. There are several methods that teach how to get rid of codependence in a relationship with an addict. In many ways these methods contradict each other, but all of them point out that this "disease" is born in childhood itself.

The task of parents is to raise a child, give him upbringing and knowledge, with which he will go on into adulthood. Children must feel that they are loved and understood. By the age of 6, they have formed a perception of the world, which in the future is difficult to change. The lack of security during this period forms in children a huge baggage of complexes, which they carry with them for life.

Most often, children who are disliked grow up unsure of themselves. They are very closed and timid. Being adults, they are influenced by other people, and they are very easy to use. Most do not even know that they are under the influence of manipulators, and, accordingly, do not know how to get rid of codependence in love and in relationships with others.

How to recognize the state of dependence on another person

First of all, you need to look at yourself and your relationships with people. Try to answer honestly a few questions:

1. Do you blame yourself for the failures of other people?
2. Do you have no purpose in life, and you just waste your time in vain for work and household chores?
3. Does your second half control you (where are you going, how much will you return, who is calling you)? And you tend to control?
4. Are you ready to help a person disinterestedly, even if you do not want it?
5. Are you a shy person? Is it not always convenient for you to ask a passerby?
6. Are you worried about what other people think of you?

If at least half of these questions you answered in the affirmative - you are a co-dependent person. You can be manipulated, and if such a person is not around, he will certainly appear, because the manipulators "see their victims" very well. It is interesting that at least two people always participate in co-dependencies. That is, in such a pair, both partners are in this state in equal parts. People live in marriage and do not even think about the fact that they have codependence in relationships. How to get rid of this state and find peace, they do not know too. And the same people who understand that they are dependent on another person, believe that this can not be changed.

Fear of speaking of one's desires

Co-dependent people are very self-contained. At first glance, of course, a person can be very sociable, he can tell funny stories for hours, but he is unlikely to tell something about himself. Such people are afraid to talk about their desires openly. They are very fond of games called "Guess Itself." For example, at a dinner table on the question: "What will you be: tea or juice?" - can follow the answer: "Whatever, I do not care." This replica implies that the questioner should still ponder and guess the desires of the person he asked. This is how co-dependency manifests itself in relationships. How to get rid of this "disease", a married couple does not know, and therefore lives with it all his life.

Obsessions, or Dumb games

In co-dependent pairs, you can often find such a situation, that the partners make a decision for the other half and immediately rebuff them. Suppose the situation is as follows.

My husband forgot to congratulate his beloved on the 8th of March. The wife immediately, without asking him, decides that he did it on purpose. Of course, she might ask a question, but she already has the answer in her mind: "The spouse specially did this to teach me a lesson, I need to take revenge on him." Then the wife begins to invent a plan for revenge: "And I'll go with my friends in the shops and spend all the money from his card." The husband in perplexity thinks that his wife is too wasteful, and decides not to bring home all the money.

That's how a snowball of unspoken words and misinterpreted acts will accumulate with new episodes until the couple falls on their heads. At best, it will result in a grandiose scandal, and at worst - will lead to a divorce.

Learn to speak

After people understand that they are in such a relationship, they have a question: "How to get rid of codependence in a relationship?" Psychologist Berry Wainhold's advice can greatly help in solving this problem. He and his wife, Jenia, went the way of liberation together. When they met, each of them had already been married, and they had fixed certain stereotypes about family life. The book "Emancipation from codependence", written by such wonderful authors as Berry Wainhold and Janey Wainhold, describes the problems of codependence and ways to solve them.

The first (and most important) step in getting rid of this problem is the ability to talk about your feelings to your second half. It is equally important to learn how to listen to your loved one.

Here is one vivid example of how the authors of this book get rid of codependence in love. Shortly before Berry met Jen, he buried his wife Barbara. He was very depressed and needed support. The new spouse did not take offense at him and strongly supported Berry. For a long time, she listened to her husband's stories about his ex-wife and gave him advice on how to cope with this misfortune. He was open with her, and she did not take offense at it.

Urgent resolution of the conflict

There is one more important nuance that helps get rid of codependency in relationships. Conflict situations arise in any family, and this is inevitable. Because all people are different, everyone has an opinion, and often it may not coincide with the opinion of the partner. It is very important in the event of a conflict not to hide an insult to your lover. If his words wound you, tell him about it at the same moment. Do not wait for the right moment and do not keep resentment in your heart.

Request for help

It is very important to understand what childhood events are traumatic for you, and what made you become dependent on family circumstances. Try to solve the problems of childhood with your soul mate. Here is another example of how the authors of the book, Berry Wainhold and Janey Wainhold, get rid of codependence. As a child, Dzheney received less parental warmth and physical contact. Berry helped her to cope with this problem: he wore it in his arms and long stroked, he for a while returned her to childhood and replaced her parents. You should ask your loved one to give you what you did not get from your parents. This will allow you to free yourself from many complexes associated with childhood.

Change of partner

There is an opinion that, in order to get rid of codependence, you should divorce a person. However, this method is not always good. This option is possible only if the partner categorically does not want to change anything in his life. How can change happen if it negates co-dependency in a relationship? How to get rid of something that a person does not see and does not take seriously?

But if your other half is ready for change, ready to change the usual course of life and get rid of codependence, then it is necessary to go this way together. Changes are necessary for both partners, so that each of them can feel self-sufficiency and become a separate person.

The most interesting, probably, in the co-dependent relationship is that their absence causes a storm of negative emotions in a person. How dependent on alcohol requires a drink, so firstly co-dependent partners need quarrels and scandals. In psychology, the term that defines liberation from such a relationship is called interdependence. In a pair, each of the lovers must feel their integrity and self-sufficiency. A person should know that he is genuinely loved for what he really is. It is very important to know that only two truly free people can be happy and interdependent together.