The absence of quarrels is a sign of a doomed relationship?

We all know that constant quarrels and conflicts lead to the destruction of marriages. But what if there is an opposite statement? What if the relationship can disintegrate due to a lack of quarrels between the spouses?

The magic ratio

Dr. John M. Gottman is a licensed psychologist. For several decades, the specialist studied stability in family relationships. He became known for discovering the "magic ratio" of positive and negative interactions of partners, which is 5 to 1. In other words, in a strong and lasting alliance, each negative event is compensated by five positive ones.

In what cases can the quarrel be useful?

Too many scandals undermine the relationship. This is an obvious truth. However, according to the theory of Dr. Gottman, a lack of negativity can also become a sign of doomed marriage. Searching for the optimal balance between diametrically opposed emotions is an unconventional view of family relationships. Our today's expert asserts that negativity must necessarily be present if your goal is to build a strong and long-term alliance.

Negative plays an important role in some prosocial functions

If negative feelings were not needed, nature would not create them. They are necessary not only for balancing happiness, but also for creating experience - the engine of human progress. Negative emotions play an important role in some prosocial functions. We are talking about the selection of interaction schemes that do not work, as well as for fomenting romantic feelings. In the first case, on the basis of negative experience, people understand what actions they should avoid in the future. In the second case, they do not let love die. Many of us have heard this saying: "After a violent quarrel, a violent reconciliation begins." Partners who never conflict, are deprived of this color in the relationship. Thus, couples should not declare war negative in their lives. On the contrary, life without hassles and quarrels would be unbearably boring and to some extent lifeless.

Quarrels help to adapt to changes

The idea of Dr. Gottman is that the spouses can provide each other with corrective feedback. The fact is that the world around us is constantly changing, and we must somehow react to this. The clarification of relations is the best suited for this purpose. Thus, the partners not only learn to adapt to the new conditions, but also remain "on the same wavelength" all the time.

When the quantity is inferior to the quality

We continue to identify signs of an ideal marriage. We examined the "magic ratio" of emotions in a harmonious marriage and found that for each quarrel the partners should "work out" in a fivefold equivalent. In addition to the number of conflicts, you can not discount the quality (how much the quarrel is stormy and long). Dr. Gottman and his colleagues found during their experiments that the slow-moving skirmishes did not have such a therapeutic effect as the violent wars of highly emotional partners. Thus, the absence of an escalation of the negative during conflicts inevitably gave rise to doubts about any positive effect. It was found out that softly conflicting couples had a lack of affection, active interest, self-irony, excitement, joy, support and empathy.

And on the contrary, unstable relations with protracted fighting do not always lead to a rupture. Partners within such a union have a healthy influence on each other. And let this influence is not always positive. One thing is clear: this model of interaction can lead to stability if partners take into account the "magic ratio" and will work to create an enabling environment for strengthening positive interactions.

This ratio is suitable for business

It is curious that the "magic ratio" of 5 to 1 is applicable for business. Studies have shown that the most effective managers for each criticism of subordinates leave an average of 5.6 positive comments. As you can see, a small part of the negative is an important part of the whole process. First, criticism (like quarrel) attracts increased attention. Secondly, negative feedback protects from complacency.