Disability: if a friend is in trouble ...

This little instruction "for friends" I decided to write on the basis of personal experience: my fiance received a disability - a severe spinal injury - and is currently actively engaged in his recovery. The network has considered the issue of relations with relatives deeply enough, but friends, often no less than close people, have bypassed a little.

Instead of the preface

At first I would like to thank all those who did not stay out of the way when his friend got into an unfamiliar and frightening situation for himself. You do not know how much your support words mean to a traumatized person. And let it seems to you that sometimes you do not enough for your friend - it's not so! Your attention and feasible care help a person feel needed no matter what. But in order to smooth out all possible roughness and awkwardness in your communication, it is worth considering the following nuances. So, let's begin…

The beginning of a new life

You just found out that a close person has been seriously injured, doctors get off short phrases from the series: "It's stable, the temperature is so-and-so." Fear and uncertainty. If a friend was transferred from the intensive care unit, and you have the opportunity to visit him, remember: no tears (especially with regard to girls), mournful facial expressions. Remember, one mourns a man only once, when they put him in a coffin, and you are lucky: your friend is alive. At first try to dig up more information about the trauma, about possible complications, about the forthcoming treatment. The doctors are overloaded, they are often physically unable to talk to the patient, calm him and put everything in order, so it would be great if it were you who introduced the victim to the case. Most likely, the attending physician will not give you any detailed information about the condition of your friend, and it would be nice if you could consult with someone else competent in this field. It is also important to know what exactly you want to know: often through ignorance we demand an answer to questions from those who can not give them. For example, when asking questions to a neurosurgeon, can a person recover from this trauma and what will be the recovery period. But, alas, we often get clearly the wrong answers to which we hope that it is logical: neurosurgeons do not deal with rehabilitation issues. After you have received the necessary information, try to delicately deliver it to your friend, without going into details, focusing on the postulate that "there is always hope."

When we had a misfortune, and Andrew after the accident had an operation to decompress the spinal cord with a preliminary diagnosis of "complete compression of the spinal cord at the level of T3, T4," the operating surgeon told him that he would never be able to walk. Radiologist in general threw the phrase: "You are lucky, we are such a spare parts sawing," the resident in the intensive care unit, too, did not lag behind, suggesting that a person who had just suffered a serious trauma "to score on himself", tk. He is "hopeless". It was worth the effort to dissuade Andrei from this. And this is not an isolated case.

A month later you will run marathons!

So, the acute period has passed, some time has passed, and now it becomes clear how fast the recovery is recovering from the trauma. Often to cheer up his friend, people start telling stories about some friends or acquaintances of friends who, after a similar (they think) injury have regained their health in record time. It seems that this should support and inspire hope, but ... All the way around. Most likely, if the disease or injury is really not an easy one, a person will soon find out about it, and such attempts to cheer up cause only a sad smile and growing irritation. Yes, your friend, probably rejoice for the one who was more fortunate, and then come the sad thoughts of his own situation. It is better to find someone with a really similar diagnosis, positive and purposeful, someone who can charge with his enthusiasm and inspire confidence that even with such complexities one can successfully cope and be a "worthy member of society." Therefore, it is better to leave stories about "Vasya from the neighboring entrance, which was restored in 3 days" with him.

Surprisingly, we like this very often and looked something like this:

- I have an acquaintance who, after a fracture of the spine for 3-4 months, began to walk, and after 7 - already run!

- Great, but what is the degree and level of damage to the spinal cord?

- Oh, I'm not aware of such subtleties ...

Wait, I'll help.

Seeing how your friend struggles to pull on a T-shirt, bring the spoon to his mouth, you have a natural need to help him. "Give, I will do, so quickly" - often this is the sin of the relatives of the victim, but this is also true for friends. Instead of gratitude for the help rendered, your friend is for some reason upset, and you may inadvertently think that a friend does not appreciate support. Throw away these thoughts. In fact, you thus render "a disservice".

First, that a person in the future can do without outside help in matters of self-service, he should do everything himself whenever possible. Yes, let slowly, letting half the soup from the plate to yourself, or dressing for an hour, but later thanks to such training, a person can quickly return to the ordinary way of life, giving up the care of relatives, which will undoubtedly ease both them and their lives . Remember at least about how to teach the skills of self-service of young children: if you do everything for your own child, it will never be able to learn anything.

Secondly, pride also plays a role here, especially when it comes to a person who has been injured. Imagine that literally a couple of months ago it was an absolutely healthy independent person who had plans, desires that was a support for his parents and family, and now he needs care as a two-year-old. Your obsessive help will only remind him once more of his current situation.

So in such a situation, seeing that your friend can not cope on his own, just delicately inquire: "Do you need help, or will you manage it yourself?" Otherwise, it's not uncommon for a person to get used to the fact that a little bit, they run to him with help, and so relaxed that he stops trying to do even what he did.

For some reason, I immediately recall one character from an American documentary film that was in huge overweight and so lazy that each time he asked his wife to open a bottle of Coca-Cola for him. Not to mention the other little things that he himself was able to do. Laziness kills!

What do doctors say, what forecasts?

Another typical and no less annoying question. To begin with, doctors often in difficult cases, and not only, produce the most frightening possible results. And they can be understood. And believe me, your friend will not be so pleased to disclose to you what the doctor predicts. The more that the doctors themselves often do not know to what extent after the trauma that has been suffered, his patient can recover, because General attitude and perseverance are of enormous importance.

Exactly therefore, when I am asked this sacramental question, I have two options for an answer, depending on what effect I want to make on the questioner. This is either already full of nausea: "With such injuries, predictions are not given, doctors do not say anything" - or if you want to quickly get out: "They said at the very beginning that they do not get up with such injuries!" And a bearded anecdote is also recalled: "The doctor said to the morgue, that means, to the morgue!"

You must obey the doctors!

Try to exclude from the lexicon this word altogether. Because your friend already feels indebted to everyone around: to parents who, instead of resting, take care of him as a child; Wife or girlfriend, tk. Could not become her reliable support; Children, friends, doctors, nurse, chief, colleagues, etc. The list expands to infinity. And then you and your "you should". Believe me, he knows. And do not overdo it with prohibitions, if there are no direct instructions from the doctor, indulge in delicious food.

In Andrei's mother - a wonderful woman, but it happens, kinks the stick. Instead of just a sparing diet without fatty spicy meat or similar excesses, the ration consists of dishes for the ulcer: a boiled fresh chicken breast without peel, a porridge on the water and everything in that spirit. You have to smuggle in, risking incurring anger.

Is there progress?

Another sacramental question, which often receives a negative response, which upsets everyone. Then why ask him, you ask? If a person celebrates improvement, do not worry, this information will not bypass you, it will be issued after the greeting, plus or minus the phrase. Moreover, often a person is not able to note all the changes taking place with him, it is by no means a fact that the matter does not move from a dead center.

Honestly, I always get lost when people ask me something like this, just because I do not understand what kind of improvements the person is saying. He wondered if a person could move his foot or did he have a fever? Therefore, while the standard and short answer: "Yes, it's better than in intensive care!"

I have an acquaintance doctor, call him ...

It is very pleasant and praiseworthy that a person wants to share useful, as it seems to him, contacts. But often he is not aware of such subtleties as the qualification and specialization of the recommended specialist, so often, if you give in to persuasion to call the superdoc, the following dialogue goes:

- Good afternoon, Mr. N recommended you, could you consult on such and such a question?

- Sorry, but I'm a proctologist, you should contact a urologist.

Maybe a bit exaggerated, but the general meaning is approximately understandable.

To me at first time, now it is much less common, have thrown contacts of manual therapists, although they are not needed at the beginning for spinal trauma. To bend in all directions a backbone with plates instead of two vertebrae hardly useful employment.

You're leaving him now?

This intimate question refers to the "second half" of the person who received the disability, and usually proceeds from the friends of the victim. You already understand that I recommend that you shove it ... away. And do not get it. Never! You can understand that you would like less stress for your friend, but this issue you do not change anything. Alas, it happens that people leave, if such a decision is made, you will not affect it, if not - put a person in an awkward position when he has to justify himself for no reason. Moreover, it is not uncommon for a person to "send" his partner after an injury.

What I faced in full. My friends though brought me to this issue, but did it carefully and delicately, monitoring my reaction, preparing to immediately retreat. But Andrey's acquaintances surpassed all my expectations, especially the female gender. I crept into the crazy idea that they were waiting to wait to take my place. This question usually followed after "hello, I am a friend of Andrew."

Instead of an epilogue

Of course, human relationships are complex and without any drastic changes in life, it is often difficult for us to understand even a close friend, to put ourselves in his place. But when everything turns upside down, any little thing that you would not have noticed before can cause a major conflict. I brought only a few of the most vivid and common possible mistakes in dealing with a person who suddenly seriously undermined his health. Such people can be irritable, even embittered, but do not think that they do not appreciate your care and support. This is usually a temporary phenomenon, a reaction to enormous stress. Just be there, a person should feel that, despite everything, he needs someone.